Having Questions is More Important Than Having Answers

A little more than a month has passed and already so much is changing.  Krista & I are still together and continually growing as friends and as a couple.  The dogs are doing well, despite a brief stint of total canine fecal terror.  The family in CA seems to be on the good foot.  The family in Ohio is having a rougher go of it, but I’ll discuss that later.  Friends are returning from abroad. Work is, well, as uneventful as ever.  Hmm, that sounds like everything has more or less remained the same … but wait!

Krista and I are growing and learning as time goes on.  I have never loved her so much as I do now, but we have never argued so much as we have recently.  Let us call it ‘growing pains’, because it would seem that as we hit new strides in our life together, each stride comes with a little pinch in the side.  We are reminded that this life is not a sprint, but rather a nice distance course with plenty of scenery and changing conditions.  Sometimes the road is a gentle downhill, sometimes a harsh incline.  Whatever the case may be, she and I are running the course together.

The latest ‘pinch’ is the realization that my orders at my current duty station are soon to expire.  This means that I will rotate back to the ‘Fleet Marine Force’ (FMF) and resume a more typical schedule, including training operations and deployments.  For us, and especially for Krista, this is new territory.  For me it’s not so unfamiliar, but for K it’s a dive into the unknown.  New territory, some of which is unknown … these are the makings for a scary situation.  This is the current ‘pinch’ we’re up against.

Krista is a bit frightened by the possibility of being uprooted and moved to a new location, to live in a new home and have me doing new things with a new unit.  She is not familiar with anything outside of our current area and has not even the comfort of being exposed to a typical Marine Corps life (as I work for the Training and Education Command, I go NO WHERE).  She is facing more changes in one instance than most people deal with over several years.  I can understand why it is so scary for her, and I sympathize.  The problem is, I cannot empathize.

I’ve spent a great many of my years moving from one place to the next, never really knowing what was going to happen when I got there.  I actually quite enjoy moving and experiencing life in a new area. I also don’t mind the uncertainty of what the new location and life will hold.  I’ve taught myself to enjoy the mystery and adventure of it all.  I do experience a bit of anxiety, but nothing that isn’t easily dealt with.  Separation anxiety, adjustment disorder, fear of the unknown … these are not things I have ever had to deal with, so I am a very bad partner when it comes to assisting someone through these hard times in their life.  Poor Krista, she has to deal with my shortcomings.

I feel helpless in the whole mess.  I’ve always been the fix-it guy, the one who has pulled things together to make it all work out … I can’t do that now.  I can’t just ‘make her better’, the same way she cannot just ‘make me understand’.  Feeling helpless adds to my frustration, one that already existed at not being able to really empathize with Krista.  So now I feel out of touch, out of control, unable to help, and complete inept at handling the whole damn situation.  This is horrible … especially since all I want is for her to feel comfortable and safe in the whole thing.

Krista is frustrated with me, and rightly so.  Here I am, her best friend and partner, and I’m of no help with this matter.  Quite the opposite really, I only seem to complicate things further.  She probably feels as though she’s dealing with the whole damn mess by herself; which to certain extents, she is.  She’s most likely upset at me for not offering more comfort or reassurance.  Upset because, ‘I just don’t get it’, or I just ‘don’t understand her’; which is to a point, true.  She needs answers, and I don’t seem to have them, which is irritating. 

A lack of answers, as she and I have learned, is the source of a lot of frustration.  However, regardless of how much frustration is caused by not having the answers, it does not compare with the amount of frustration generated by not having the questions!  Yes, feeling so overwhelmed that you don’t seem to be able to formulate the questions you need to, is exceedingly more frustrating than not getting the answers you want.  This, as we have identified, is more of our problem now. 

Krista and I are sitting down to contemplate what the impending changes in our lives actually mean to each of us.  We’re focusing on generating some quantifiable questions that can be answered.  We’re seeking out the answers and then we reforming our concept of the situation at hand.  It’s a tedious and lengthy process, but it’s one is believed to hold satisfaction at the end.

So there’s the update on K & I.  The ‘Garden of Eden’ our life is not, but we never claimed it as such either.  We continue to live life and take the course in stride.  We live and learn, love and laugh, we even cry, but through it all we hold hands and go about it all as friends and partners.

Until Next Time …

SA&LC-

Ryan

SAFA

VANSO

Life Inventory

I haven’t blogged for quite some time.  “Why?” you ask … for no particular reason other than I haven’t been available to do so.  At present, I am sitting alone in the condo, having returned early from a training outing, and find myself with ample time catch up.  It is for reasons of training, not this particular trip but another, that I have been so unavailable.  Although my failure to maintain the electronic chronicling of my life here in southern California, with Krista and the dogs and the Corps, is somewhat frustrating … I can think of no reasons, aside from visiting family and vacationing to remote locations, for which  I would rather be detained other than ‘training’.  Having returned, however, I am taking the afore mentioned ‘ample time’ and reinitiating the also afore mentioned ‘electronic chronicling’.  So, I’ve sat on the couch with the dogs, who are napping as usual, turned on the melodies of Frederyk Chopin and have let loose my fingers upon the keyboard.

I have always valued my time with the Marine Corps, but I am now experiencing a renaissance of initial affections for it, and I’m excited.  That being said, I have never felt the heartache and longing for a home so far away as I have on the last day of any training or operation which has removed me from my family and friends.  As activities come to closure and bags are staged for transport, the long stowed thoughts of home come flooding back as if an emotional retaining wall and given way.  Excitement, longing, anxiety, sorrow and frustration merge together split apart and reunite in the wildly majestic symphony: Human Emotion Run Amuck. Not a catchy title?  Hmm, perhaps that can be rethought, reworked, submitted to a focus group for new discussion, and then – only then – be exposed to a sample audience via cleverly placed fifteen second commercials squeezed between the weekly situation comedy television show most frequently watched by the targeted demographic.  I digress . . .

The point is, there’s no good label, nor simple description, for the feelings a returning service member just prior to their return.  Some feeling are easily empathized with, others seem irrational and out of place.  Regardless of your opinion on the subject, unless you’ve experienced those moments personally, you will never understand.  So when I speak of enjoying my training/operational trips, yet also speak of my longing for home, please do not question either set of emotions.  Also, if you’ve never been forced to ignore everything you consider ‘normal’ in order to focus on a more pressing matter, maybe one of life and death, please do not pretend to understand or attempt to counsel me on the way in which I “turn this, the normal world off” while I’m away.  It’s a coping method that has done very well to bring me home safely.  Thank you.

So I’m back, again, and so many things have transpired since my last posting two months ago.  I attended schooling on the east coast and did well.  I returned to discover a new bed in the bedroom!  As well as two dogs who had made vast improvements regarding their overall behaviors.  I learned that I am capable of far more than I ever thought, and that the will to succeed regardless of the obstacles in our path can be found deep down inside us all … even the dogs!  I also returned to the sad news of death in the family and the onset of aggressive illness.  Friends had babies, friends filed for divorce, friends got married, friends moved away, and friends moved closer … the world continued to turn. 

That statement sounds as though I am on the verge of thinking more of myself than I actually do, but the truth of it is as simple as the words typed.  I am always amazed, upon returning from a trip, at how much life can happen in such short periods of time.  I let so little phase me while I’m away, that it takes several days after coming home to fully conduct the inventory of life and all that needs to be noted.

I’ve let myself ramble so long to come to this basic point: Continually take inventory of your life; make note of the joys and sorrows and thank God for just having the opportunity to live Life.  The more I do this the more I consider myself blessed, and the more reasons I discover for which to be grateful.

SA&LC-

Ryan

SAFA

VANSO

Thoughts of Randomness

1.) If you are going to call and try to sales pitch me DO NOT stumble on your words, you sound like you don’t know what you’re talking about. I will say “not interested” and hang up. This applies to work phone and my cell.

2.) How would you feel if you left home for an "extended business trip," kissed your spouse and swaddled baby goodbye and when you returned home, X months later, your child was walking?

3.) You know that game we played when we were little where you twist the stem on an apple till it comes off while reciting the alphabet and whichever letter you land on is the first letter of the last name of the person you would marry? Well I landed on “D” and have been all smiles ever since…….. that happened 6 days ago... See :D

4.) 1 is the loneliest number?.... I think not! Try 2 + The Marine Corps. When I was single I never felt lonely or sad that I was “alone.” Now that Ryan and I are together I find myself throwing pity parties whenever he’s away.

5.) Ryan and I both have nieces named Kyndal/Kendal, although not spelled the same it is nationally a more popular name for boys.

6.) Sometimes I’m ashamed of my generation in how little they know about what’s going on in the world, you know outside of facebook and partying.

7.) I often find myself relating things I run out of or need to buy to time passing. For example, about a week after Ryan was gone I ran out of coffee creamer and was bummed because the one I had used up was the last one Ry used. Today I bought dog food and was a little excited that it would be the same bag of dog food when Ry gets home…. Weird I know!

8.) Go Big Red! In 2002 I was a cheerleader for the Estancia Eagles and Ryan was a cheerleader for the Otterbein Cardinals. I was a freshman in high school..... he was a freshman in college. And Yes we have tried to partner stunt together...... it doesnt work, we just start laughing.

9.) Petco lady: (upon seeing my USMC hoodie) “Isn’t it weird for you knowing your husband has killed people?”

Me: ……. (crickets) I didn’t even know how to respond!

10.) Awhile ago we discovered that Ryan is allergic to acai (or it just makes him throw up) Well I bought a case of Vitamin Waters and I’ve made sure to drink all the acai ones first so there is no chance Ry will once he’s home.

11.) Did you know there are food banks on Camp Pendleton? Even worse… Every Marine Corps family I know with kids has to use them. That angers me… just sayin.

To all you cute mushy in love people, enjoy your Valentines Day!
To all the "free birds" im sorry this holiday is so horrible...


SA&LC,
Krista

Taylor Swift - Mine

"You were in college working part time waitin’ tables
Left a small town, never looked back
I was a flight risk with a fear of fallin’
Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts

I say "Can you believe it?
As we’re lying on the couch?"
The moment I can see it.
Yes, yes, I can see it now.

Do you remember, we were sitting there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the first time.
You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter.
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine.

Flash forward and we’re taking on the world together,
And there’s a drawer of my things at your place.
You learn my secrets and you figure out why I’m guarded,
You say we’ll never make my parents’ mistakes.

But we got bills to pay,
We got nothing figured out,
When it was hard to take,
Yes, yes, this is what I thought about.

Do you remember, we were sitting there, by the water?
You put your arm around me for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine.

Do you remember all the city lights on the water?
You saw me start to believe for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine.

Oh, oh, oh

And I remember that fight
Two-thirty AM
As everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out crying and you followed me out into the street
Braced myself for the "Goodbye"
‘cause that’s all I’ve ever known
Then you took me by surprise
You said, "I’ll never leave you alone."

You said, "I remember how we felt sitting by the water
And every time I look at you, it’s like the first time
I fell in love with a careless man’s careful daughter
She is the best thing that’s ever been mine."

Hold on, make it last
Hold on, never turn back

You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine.
(Hold on) Do you believe it?
(Hold on) Gonna make it now.
(Hold on) I can see it,
(Yes, yes) I can see it now."

-Love Always,

Krista

I just wanted to say Thank You

3

Not encouraging him when he needed you has made him think that I am his personal cheerleader. 

Making him believe he was a monster brought him to his lowest which allowed him to be lifted back up and realize how great, great really can be. 

I am something “amazing” to him because I take responsibility and admit when I’m wrong. 

Your need to be taken care of, makes him appreciate my independence, which in turn makes him want to provide physically, financially and emotionally. 

For your lack of compliments, I receive a giant glowing smile whenever I tell him how handsome he is. 

Your inability to forgive makes me “compassionate” and him to never do things that are unforgivable. 

Giving up meant walking away, your decisions have forever changed our lives in the best way imaginable. 

So sincerely, from the bottom of my heart - Thank You.

FMD,

Krista

After Thought: I posted this last night and re-read this morning. I’m really not sure how many people actually read our blog but I wanted to clarify that this was not written out of malice or spite. I really do believe in this case when God shut the door he did not open a window. Instead, he had given Ry the “tools” to build a completely new house. I was simply reflecting on how amazing things can truly grow from bad situations.

You never know how wonderful it is to have one until you don’t...

A bed I mean...

Our new Serta pillow top mattress was delivered today via big beautiful Macy’s truck. We have been enjoying the luxury of an air mattress since we moved and I am so happy that I could get this taken care of while Ry is away. It brings me such joy to know that Ryan will be coming home from 2 months of grueling training to me, as well as an extremely comfortable bed to sleep in. Not to mention I am completely IN LOVE with our new bedding! The mattress was a huge one to check off on our list of things needed and I can’t even begin to explain how “complete” it makes our home feel. 

Next up… maybe a dining room table?

SAFA,
Krista

Knows Just What To Say...

Mama:

   Our world is that of endless possibilities. New opportunities with each day, renewed hope with each passing moment. In this endless sea of exciting uncertainty it’s easy to become overwhelmed by the vastness of it all. To look out at wave top after option wave top can consume your perspective, dizzy the senses and isolate the mind. This is a scary place to exist...
   Until you feel your partner's hands on your waste as he wraps his comforting arms around you and presses his cheek to yours and you feel the power of his loving embrace. As he takes your hand and boards the ship with you, it’s realized that you are not alone and suddenly the journey isn't so frightening nor fraught with such peril as you once thought. You are not alone and the voyage now seems more of a thrilling escape from the drudgery of "normal" life.
   That's us! You are not alone in this. I love and support you, comfort and shield you. I lift you into the warm rays of the summer sun and provide a soft place for you to lay. Take comfort my love; I am your friend, your partner and your lover. Above all, I am with you.
-Papa

Posted By Krista,

SAFA